Hard

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I try to remember
how hard it was to be fourteen
when I want to drive my son out
to some deserted stretch of road
drop him off with a $20 bill
wish him the best of luck in life
go home
pack up all of our belongings
move
leave no forwarding address

I try to imagine
how hard it must be
to have a sister with intellectual disabilities
multiple chronic health issues
prone to near death experiences
when he acts like a lion
roars despicable things at me
and slams every door

I raged against the machine too
at every perceived injustice
as I transitioned from kid to young woman
thought my misery singular and pure
and my parents incapable of comprehending
how hard it was to be fourteen
when everything means everything
when there is never enough time
except when there is too much
when you feel so filled with strength
but lacking in all power

I try to remember
so the car keys remain undisturbed
in their drawer
my son safely in my house and heart

April 9, 2013
Julie Ayers
NaPoWriMo #9

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